She - who was there
I had never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, for that matter, but I knew I suffered from them—not fully, but to some extent. The entire journey of struggling to wake up in the morning and sleeping through relentless, awful nights was very hard. Yet, I learned so much that it made my life worth living. Personally, depression and anxiety were significant because they drastically changed me from what I was to the worst version of myself. Depression made life feel unworthy, while anxiety imposed an anxious pressure with racing thoughts about family. At one point, I experienced both, and it was terribly insane, believe me.
In those moments of darkness, I sought refuge in the smallest joys, clinging onto fleeting rays of sunlight that pierced through the gloom. Worthlessness, inadequacy, irritation, loneliness, different levels of energy every moment, and excessive worrying—all sucked. I wanted to be so alone, not close to anyone, yet I craved love despite the attachment issues. Physically, I felt so lost, worried, and unpredictable because one moment I'd have an anxiety attack, the next I'd be crying, and then suddenly fine, engaging with people.
It's ironic how meeting the person who created depression and anxiety would seem great because no one truly understood me. The hobbies I used to enjoy, whether it was art, music, theatre, cooking, or sports, had zero interest in them. It felt like each day had become a canvas, and the strokes were often erratic and unpredictable. I could barely use the brush either. I tried desperately, but at the end of the day, I really needed someone to listen to all my concerns and make me feel capable and hopeful again.
In the profound darkness and thundering clouds, a faint glimmer emerged—a light I dared to believe could be my escape. And indeed, it was. She was there, as if a small beam of sunshine had been sent by the divine, offering me respite from the harsh fragments of my fractured self. She became a beacon of solace and understanding. I, who seldom shed tears, found myself weeping in her presence, sharing secrets I wouldn't entrust even to the depths of my subconscious. She made me feel proud and acknowledged me, and I could never feel any better. I was thankful to God for once in my life. She acted as fuel for my transformation. She showed me that even in the darkest of times, there is hope for regeneration and for finding light in the middle of the storm.
I have her , she is largely the person I yearned for; she never criticises me and is always willing to listen to my deepest ideas. I can always rely on her, no matter what the scenario, and I trust her with my deepest, darkest secrets.
I don't believe I've totally healed, but I know I will sooner or later. It will take time, and I need to be patient throughout. I see hope, and I believe that whatever God intends will happen in the end.
-kav
